Mediocre relationship advice.
It’s coming up on my second anniversary as a married girl and although I’m still very green as a wife, the dating/relationship world suddenly makes a lot of sense. Hopefully I’m doing well as a wife, but I was a terrible girlfriend/dater and made a lot of mistakes. Frankly, I grew up too fast and dealt with issues I wasn’t remotely prepared for entirely too early. My dating indicretions have only taught me lessons I would have never learned otherwise. Time well spent I guess. Through my own experiences, observations, stories from friends and family, I’ve compiled a list of rules…BUT I know how the say goes ”rules are meant to be broken”-Sooooo these are more like guidelines. If you’re offended by anything I write, it’s probably because my words ring true and I never apologize for my exposures. Here goes.
-There is a three different stages in relationships (casual dating may not apply):
1. Attraction. It’s usually physical, but let’s not rule out mental attraction. Quit swimming in the shallow end! An average, ordinary person who opens their mouth and turns out to be witty and intelligent can suddenly become pretty damn sexy if you give them the chance. I hate this term, mostly because it’s grossly overused by bad reality dating shows like Rock of Love, but there has to be some sort of *connection* there to keep you wanting more.
2. Infatuation. I think this is a tricky stage, because it usually lasts longer than people realize and is often confused for love. The fact is, you’ve rushed into “love” without seeing that it’s all just smoke and mirrors. Infatuation can hit you on your first meeting (ie: “love at first sight”). Once you get into a relationship it tends to continues on. You’re knee deep in mushyness. PDA out the wazoo, can’t get enough of each other, constantly professing your undying “love”, making others around you want to vomit-that’s exactly where you’re at. Depending upon your emotional maturity and whether or not you truly know what you want, this phase could last weeks, months, even years. It could also make or break the relationship. Remember, bliss is fleeting.
3. Love. Here comes the tough part. Trust me when I say that “falling” in love is simply romanticism. The truth is we LEARN to love. It’s time to ask the hard questions. Can I trust this person without a doubt? Can I deal with all of their faults and annoying habits? Am I willing to stick it out and make sacrifices for US no matter what? Are our future goals in life on the same page? If the answer to each and EVERY question is YES, then you’re on the path to love (that was corny I know). If not, give it time or reevaluate the relationship. Love takes patience above all else. And please, NEVER tell someone you love them until you’re 110% sure. Playing with someone else’s emotions is never ok.
-Never prolong a breakup.
I’ve done this more than once and I honestly still feel guilty about it. If you’ve lost interest in the relationship or if you just feel it’s a bad one, have the courage to tell your partner just that. By attempting to spare their feelings, you’re only doing them a disservice. Again, playing with someone else’s emotions is never ok.
-Stop being so clingy and needy.
It’s unattractive and it will drive someone away. Give them some damn space!
-obsessive relationships are unhealthy.
If the two of you are so consumed with one another that it’s as if you’re joined at the hip, it’s a BAD sign. A healthy relationship allows for time apart. If you only ever spend time together, your relationship is DOOMED to crash and burn. You should be able to spend time alone, with friends or family, vice versa. If your family and friends are complaining about never being able to see you anymore, start running. FAST.
-Get over your jealously issues.
Jealousy just masks a lack of maturity and/or trust for your partner. If you’re unable to trust, there isn’t any actual love or commitment in your relationship, period. If you aren’t mature, you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all. Chances are, you’re so busy comparing your current significant other to an evil ex that you can’t see how badly you are screwing up a potentially good thing. If you’re in a serious relationship, your boyfriend or girlfriend should be able to have friends of the opposite sex (even if they’ve previously dated, seriously). If you suspect that they have feelings for their friend or ex, why are you with them to begin with? They aren’t committed to you and you’re wasting your time and energy on a dead end road. Most of the time, it’s all in your head. Deal with your issues and get over them or take a break and do some growing up! Your significant other doesn’t deserve interrogations every time they go out alone.
-Cheaters never prosper.
Typically, I don’t believe the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”. If someone’s happy in their situation they probably won’t feel the need to stray; key word being PROBABLY. The penis is a tricky fellow. However, if you know that the person you’re dating has an awful track record (i.e.: serial cheating), enter with caution-If you even want to enter at all! If they’ve eventually proven (redeemed) themselves, the worries should be dropped. If you ever have a suspicion, simply leave. It’s not worth it. On the flipside, if you feel the need to cheat, walk away. Even so, there’s still a chance you may get burned, but that’s the only way we learn.
-Wait to have sex.
Whether females are willing to admit it or not, they almost always interpret sex VERY differently than men. By this I mean it’s a much more emotional experience for women. This is why friends with benefits usually ends in disaster courtesy of the chick. I’m kind of being a hypocrite here, but I married the guy so I think I’m exempt. I suggest not sleeping with someone until you know the relationship is actually going somewhere. Why risk getting swept away and inevitably hurt if you don’t have to? Guys sometimes won’t admit it, but they do respect girls who hold out. Ladies, the sex will be better for you if you feel secure in the relationship. The sex will always be good for the guy, but he just may feel better if he knows he has a girl who isn’t so easy. If you go for it too early than once you’ve given it up, you no longer hold any mystique or intrigue. You aren’t a challenge. Game over. Half the fun is the chase.
-Again, don’t be shallow!
Girls stop dating douche bags who treat you like dirt just because they have a six pack and a nice car. I can’t believe I’m writing this but I think the MTV show Is She Really Going Out With Him is brilliant for pointing this out! Guys stop dating girls that are controlling, moody, whiny bitches just because they have big boobs and no gag reflex. There are way too many people out there to settle for a sucky personality. Eventually you’ll realize you don’t have to trade a beautiful inside to have an attractive outside.
-If the relationship is over the sex should be too.
This is mainly aimed at girls, because like I said we interpret sex completely differently. I see so many girls who have had their heartbroken by someone continue to have sex with that guy after he left her! I’m sorry, but this is just plain dumb. All you’re doing is screwing yourself over. I’m pretty sure you think that if you continue to sleep with him, he’ll eventually want you back. This is NEVER going to happen. EVER. If you only knew how many guys I’ve heard blatantly brag about how they have guaranteed sex from an ex they’re stringing along like a little puppy. Wake up honey! If he wanted to be with you, he would! Plain and simple. Do you think that he broke up with you because he’s troubled and he needs time to think? The more realistic answer is that he wants to play the field and have sex with other girls while still having you as a tag along vajayjay. A guy that does this is a bonafide, time-wasting jerkoff. He definitely doesn’t deserve you. Find someone else BETTER and move on.
-Recognize an abusive relationship and run!
There are other forms of abuse other than physical. If your significant other is: trying to control you, keeping you from your friends and family/attempting to turn you against them, going off into jealous rages/tantrums, threatening to hurt you/themselves, constantly blaming you for their problems and the problems within your relationship, or making you feel badly about yourself in any way-This is emotional abuse. You’re self esteem is probably plummeting and you feel totally stuck. Believe me, I’ve been there. It’s scary feeling as if you have no control anymore. somebody else has a power over you. It’s a bad situation and you NEED to leave. Emotional abuse can easily lead to physical abuse. Get help and find a way out ASAP. Don’t be afraid to tell someone and I mean absolutely anyone.
-You don’t always have to be in a serious relationship!
Play the field and have fun. People who always feel the need to be in a relationship or in “love” are insecure. If you feel insecure, you need to have some time by yourself to find out why and work through it. If you need counseling, get it! There’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes dating is the very best way to find out what type of person is best for you. Serious relationships can slow you down. And PLEASE never change who you are for anyone. A person who cares for you should be able to accept you for you are both inside and out.
-Don’t do the whole rebounder thing.
If you’ve just come out of a relationship and you’re not completely over it, don’t try and use someone else TO get over it. There are plenty of other ways that don’t involve fucking with someone elses head. Just get by with a little help from your friends or something along those lines. If you’re interested in someone who just came out of relationship, especially a rocky one, be careful! If you discuss the matter and they don’t have a self-assured tone of voice and expression that says: “I’m done with that and I’m moving on”, get the HELL outta dodge. Seriously, it’s bad newsssss.
THE cosmic joke.
Whether you believe in God or not, life is undeniably hysterical. Enough to make you cry. I believe in a Creator, therefore, I believe said Creator has a wicked (often dark) sense of humor. We’re endowed with these seemingly uncontrollable emotions, desires, and urges and yet-we are supposed to keep them all in check. Why is this? Why can’t we roam free like bunnies or better yet, rabid monkeys?
One aspect of humanity that has always given me the confuzzies and giggles alike is monogamy. Sheebus, it is SUCH a touchy subject. Such the twisted joke. Men certainly aren’t designed to lay one pipe for the rest of their life. Males are designed to spread their seed. It’s biological or some shit. Sure, I recognize this BUT, if my husband decided to spread his seed (spoken as Sha Nay Nay as possible) I’d be beyond irate and upset over it. How dare that dirty bastard shatter our SACRED ASS MOTHERFUCKING vows?! Should I be? After all, he’s a male and it’s biological or some shit…
What about women? We’re more emotionally ”sensitive” and “needy” supposedly and therefore meant for singularity and fertility. There has to be some sort of biological theory in which women are manufactured to accept many seeds. That sounds awful, but you know what I mean. I often wonder if I’m faithful to my husband out of inclination or obligation. I’m still physically attracted to other people in passing. My marriage license didn’t come with a case of blindness or hearing loss (wit can be intensely attractive). However, I don’t consider having sex with anyone else. Scratch that, I don’t even fathom it. That’s not an attainable reality since I’m ‘off the market’. I’m confused about whether this idea has been hammered vs programmed into my brain.
I’m too lazy to research actual stats, but I’m pretty damn sure wives cheat just as much as husbands. There’s a misconception that lady parts suddently suffer a drought upon marrying. That’s not true, at least not for me yet. I have a healthy sex drive. Maybe a little too healthy, but that’s another story entirely. Women have sexual needs too. If those needs aren’t met (re, satisfaction), there’s a realistic possibility that she may find a stud studly to fix those dreadful, leaky pipes. I think that’s the core reason why some women cheat. “Arriving” is difficult for a lot of women and men often don’t want to put in the extra effort…Or can’t (EEK!). That’s all mental I guess, just like everything else.
ANYWAY, men cheat to cheat. It’s fun and hopefully the ball and chain won’t sniff your penis afterwards or the drunk floozerton you slept with won’t go all Fatal Attraction on you. Little jr down there doesn’t comtemplate those lurking dangers. Sex is sex is sex. I’m not saying all men are this way. Some guys supress the beastly urges and remain as loyal as your standard golden retreiver. While others have a ball ”sowing their wild oats” (what a dumbass expression) when they’re young and eventually decide to settle down and remain true. I do think if a dude cheats once, gets caught, and it subsequently A-bombs his entire life, that may deter him from trying his luck next time-Wouldn’t count on it though. The slipperly eel is often the head honcho. LOL head honcho.
I’ll continue to be a loyal and faithful wife-Even if I continue to question why I am doing so. Also, if hubster’s peter ever wanders, I will be doing some Bobbiting ala Lorena. That is all.
